Nightmarriage 2012: eBook Announcement + “Swinging on the Mood Swing-Set”
I plan to release an eBook in the not-too-terribly distant future, and it will be a compilation of all of my blog entries from my Nightmarriage and Preggersville serials, as well as any other entries that seem to fit the familial blogging bill. I have hired Jennifer Harris-Dault to edit and help me compile things in a seamless way, and I...
Vlad’s Vlog 3: Revisiting the Zoo of My Childhood as an Adult
My parents used to take me to the Kansas City Zoo when I was a child. I remember it well (or at least I thought I did.). I used to beg to see the “flumbingoes” (Is that right, Mom and Dad?) and the sea lions, and probably also wanted to take all of the colossal...
Boys Have Wieners and Girls Have Hamburger Buns
You would think we’d know we’re having a girl because the sonogram technician said, “You’re having a girl!” But no. That’s not what happened. When the sonogram feed focused on our child’s nether regions, Becki, being the knowledgeable medical practitioner she is, looked at the screen and said, “Hamburger buns! There’s the hamburger buns! It’s...
BABY JOHNSTON’S SEX AND NAME REVEALED!!!
In the video below, we reveal what we are having. Be afraid. Be very afraid. (What, did you think we’d just tell you without making you work for it?) We created the video on Becki’s iPad with an app called “Puppet Pals.” Thanks to WritRams for pointing its existence out to us! All voices by...
Buy My T-Shirts. Give Baby Evie a Future. You Know Writers Make Bupkis.
http://www.cafepress.com/ChadThomasJohnston The madness begins now (now now now … sinister echo). Most of my drawerings are too low-res for Café Press’s guidelines, but I am making sure all of my new ones lend themselves handy creations such as this nifty marshmallow sandwich totebag. You’re capitalists, so I don’t have to tell you what to do...
An Open Letter to Buffalo Wild Wings: Grill & Bah-Humbug (Now With Resolution!)
Dear Buffalo Wild Wings, You remember the part in the Christmas story where Mary and Joseph are turned away by the innkeeper because there are no vacancies in the inn? Well on Saturday, April 30th, 2011, you too turned away a pregnant woman who had needs. You did not even offer her a stable where...
Deflated Balloons: From Happy to Sad in Sixty Seconds (An Ode to Pregnancy Hormones)
My wife is a brave soul. She is currently on the hormonal rollercoaster that is pregnancy. Unlike other amusement park rides, it has no lines whatsoever, and this is because no one particularly likes feeling alternately happy and sad in quick succession. Watching my wife go from happy to sad without any inkling as to...
PREGNANCY BRAIN: MEMORY-BANK ROBBER
PREGNANCY BRAIN. MEMORY-BANK ROBBER. “Empty out your brain! NOW, LADY!!! Put all your memories in the bag so I can speed away from the scene in my gray-matter getaway car!” (Screeching of squishy brain-tires. Enter parietal-lobe police, stage left.) A typical scene. An atypical woman. My wife, in fact. Poor lamb. On one level, I’m...
A Sandwich for the Savage Beast in My Wife’s Belly
At 10:00 a.m. every day, my pregnant wife’s stomach demands a food sacrifice be offered unto it. Today at 10:00 a.m. we were in Sunday school. “Do you think maybe you could, um, go to the store to get some snacks, Chaddy?” Becki inquired. “Um, Sunday school just started, honey,” I said. “I bet there’s...
Back When I Hid Behind the Rocking Chair to Do My Business: Snapshots of a Whippersnapper
When I was a toddler, I apparently used to hide behind the rocking chair when I wanted to fill my pants with miracles. I needed a private place for special moments such as these. Here, Mom caught me in the act. The nerve she had! Would I take a picture of her on the toilet?...
Rainbow Trout Topped With Rainbow Sherbet: Exploring Pregnancy Food Cravings
We always hear stories of pregnant women craving pickle ice cream with a dollop of dog food on top, or smoked rainbow trout topped with rainbow sherbet. We hear these stories, and we hope they are true. We hope life is this comedic. And it is. Or at least it is in the case of...
Build Me a Tent: A Temporary Nativity Scene for My Pregnant Wife
“Build me a tent when you get home,” Becki said. I decided this was something female and cryptic – something I should attempt to decode with great care and introspection. When I applied my woman decoder ring to the task, the resulting message was, “Dude, your wife is totally pregnant. Building a tent is, like,...
A Radio Broadcast Featuring CTJ & DJG (Right-Click & Save Target)
Follow Me and Give Me Reason to Issue a Restraining Order