Nightmarriage 2012: Invisible Training Wheels
I have noticed that whenever my wife and I experience anything new in the realm of parenthood or “Babyland,” as I like to refer to it, we take extra safety precautions to ensure that all is well. If parenthood is a bicycle, that is, we reach for the training wheels when these incidents arise. The...
Nightmarriage 2012: The Paralytic Shopping Spree
I am learning a new parental dance. I call it the Paralytic Shopping Spree. Consider if you will, the ecstatic excitement that accompanies going on a shopping spree. The knowledge that you have been dropped like a consumerist paratrooper into a retail paradise that is yours to pillage and plunder. But there is a catch....
NOW ACCEPTING: Art Submissions for “Nightmarriage” eBook
As if you artists already don’t already make zilch for all your hard work, I am now offering you another opportunity to create something out of nothing for nothing. Starting today, I am accepting art submissions for my “Nightmarriage” eBook. If you’re wondering what that means, it’s pretty easy to explain: Throughout my short career...
Nightmarriage 2012: eBook Announcement + “Swinging on the Mood Swing-Set”
I plan to release an eBook in the not-too-terribly distant future, and it will be a compilation of all of my blog entries from my Nightmarriage and Preggersville serials, as well as any other entries that seem to fit the familial blogging bill. I have hired Jennifer Harris-Dault to edit and help me compile things in a seamless way, and I...
Nightmarriage 2011: Something Dante Forgot to Mention About Hell
Dante forgot to mention something about Hell in his immortal Inferno. Namely, that in the iciest circle of Hell, Satan clutched a Cherry Limeade from Sonic whilst chewing Judas, Cassius, and Brutus like three different flavors of gum all at once in his foul mouth. Don’t get me wrong, my readers (I assume a plural...
Nightmarriage 2011: Our Hearts Are Open Even Though Our Doors Are Locked
I knew I needed to blog about this as soon as my friend Brandon showed up with an ax. It’s not every day that a friend is welcomed to your house with cheers when he steps out of his car clutching an ax, is it? It was August 2oth, 2011 – the day of our first...
Nightmarriage: 10 Funny Stories from Year 1 (Story 9)
STORY 8: WHERE BIG-MOUTHED MEN GO TO FISH FOR CLUES It was a beautiful day outside, but there were rainclouds indoors and I had no umbrella. My wife Becki and I had both attracted highly localized weather systems at work that day, and those storm-clouds had taken great pleasure in assaulting us with rain. We...
Nightmarriage: 10 Funny Stories from Year 1 (Story 8)
STORY 8: THE ACCIDENTAL ART OF MAKING BUILDINGS AND AUDIENCES DISAPPEAR Last year my friend Jennifer asked me to DJ her wedding, and my brain immediately began to spin around in my skull like a record on a turntable. I had vainglorious visions of manning the DJ controls and controlling the dancing masses like a...
Nightmarriage: 10 Funny Stories from Year 1 (Story 7)
STORY 7: PUTTING THE “DIE” IN DIARRHEA My wife Becki does not have a sense of humor until noon or so, which means any jokes I crack before that time bounce off of her brain like so many bullets off of Superman’s chest. I jest and she hisses, “Why are you so happy? You laugh...
Nightmarriage: 10 Funny Stories from Year 1 (Story 6)
Note: I dedicate this story to my wife, Rebekah Christine Johnston, who turned 27 this morning. I also want to thank author Suzan St Maur (http://www.suzanstmaur.com/) for following me on Twitter and pointing me to her book, How to Write Winning Non-Fiction. STORY 6: IN SICKNESS AND HEALTH AND CAR TROUBLE… While Rainman was an...
Nightmarriage: 10 Funny Stories from Year 1 (Story 5)
STORY 5: OBJECT IMPERMANENCE I find them everywhere: Bobby pins. Rubber hair bands. Used Kleenexes. All of it is evidence that my wife Becki is nearby. It is her way of writing “Becki was here” all over the interior of our house. Then there are the things that disappear altogether. You see, Becki is an...
Nightmarriage: 10 Funny Stories from Year 1 (Story 4)
STORY 4: THE SLEEPY SOOTHSAYERS I am driving an 18-wheeler down the stairs at my Dad’s church and, inexplicably, I have a mustache. Danny Devito has been executed, and my parents have taken the liberty of making salsa with the pureed, stewed remains of his severed head. I have a cheeseburger that is actually a...
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